where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
