Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Randomize
