So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Randomize
