I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Randomize
