you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
