what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
The dick lei will go down in squad history
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Randomize
