Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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