Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
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