I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
