Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
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