I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Let's get the cat blown out
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize
