how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
