The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
if only i could text you this smell
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
