So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
