Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
my liver is dry heaving
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize