i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize