bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Randomize
