the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I have grass duct taped all over my body
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
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