The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
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