well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
