Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
