i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Randomize