just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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