I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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