She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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