I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I have already put on my inside pants.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
