after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
