We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Randomize