sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Randomize
