you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
is that a dick in a sweater?
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize
