I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Let's paint friendship bongs
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Go christen that room with your naked body.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
