i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
