I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Randomize
