one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Randomize
