2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Randomize
