I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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