I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
Did you just see the Batmobile???
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
