Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Randomize