So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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