Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize