The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
Randomize
