You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
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