My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
