I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize