That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
