Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
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