I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
