I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Randomize
