WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
whose parrot is this?
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize