I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
i dont even know how to be here
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
