My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Randomize
