he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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