4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Randomize
