you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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