I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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