Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
