I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
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