Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Randomize
