I bet he comes in French.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
